Crazy pills or stupidity

Please tell me why it is that you see the most depressing videos or sometimes you read about tragedys and the only thing people can say is- I never knew she needed help, I wish I had seen the signs earlier. Well what if someone is crying out for help.... begging for help and no one wants to help? Everyday is becoming a struggle for me to continue. When I wake up I dont stretch and pull myself out of bed... I try to fall back asleep because I am hoping I wont wake up again. I know that isnt normal. When I tell doctors they just say they will give me a referral, but they never try to make the effort to actually help me. I cant believe that I must bend over backwards, beg, plea, just for a pretensious prick to see me and say wow you are crazy, maybe we should help you. Assholes.

Anyways my week-

Sunday was my friends last hoorah before he went back to philly. We were having drinks for his belated birthday. It makes me really mad that I flipped out on him. Whats the reason? None. Something that I should probably explain.... I am bipolar and schizophrenic. Let me explain before you get scared. No I am not going to hurt anyone, nor do I think about killing anyone. No I wont kill myself. Yes I think about it often, but there are reasons why I wont allow myself to. Usually I am really happy but then I get in these funks. I am currently in this funk. The things that set me off most the time is when people try to harm in anyway the ones I love. I kind of loose my shit and am willing to pretty much fight anyone... guy, girl, smaller than me, bigger than me, etc.... Lately though I have been getting so upset and the only thing to calm me is intimate affection. I need someone to hold my hand and just say it will be ok. I need someone to hug me and tell me that I will make it. I need to feel loved or I kind of loose it and just get pissed off or I really get hurt. Now the schizophrenia, that sounds scary, I know. It doesnt mean that I am seeing things everywhere. I hear voices. No not burn the building or kill kill lol. Nothing even close to that. Sometimes I just hear my name or sometimes I hear light whispering. The only times I get scared is when I hear footsteps when no one is around. It happens very often and that scares the shit out of me. Sp yeah sometimes I freak out, but I try not to./ The best ways that help me is to text people rather then call when I am getting upset. If I am getting pissed I just need to take a shower or listen to music for about 15 minutes. If i just feel like I am falling apart and there is nothing worth living for, I allow myself to cry and swim in my depression. By accepting the feeling I get tired of it and then want to do something to end it. So anyways thats why I flipped out on him and I havent event told him. Very few people know that I am crazy like that. They just think I am crazy spontanious. lol

Monday was a little hectic. I babysat jay but it was frustrating because he is now getting to the point where he doesnt want to be told what to do and it drives him crazy. He doesnt like that I wont let him rot his brain out with games rather than doing his homework. Sometimes it is a struggle to watch him because I feel like I become the enemy.

Tuesday I took my mother out to dinner at bella luna and it was really good. She brought up the most sore subject in my life and I began to cry. I had to stay with her because honestly I wasnt sure if I would do something stupid. She invited me and right now that is the only place that I really and truly feel safe.

Wednesday I had work and then babysat. Got home around 11 and now I am here typing away.

So I have decided two things. Recently I have been wanting to be with my ex but I realize that is just because I am lonely and need to accept that being alone isnt a bad thing. I know that if I desperately needed someone good to be with me, I have someone... but instead I try to force the relationships that didnt work, work.... I am going to cut off every guy I used to date until I can just be friends with them and not try to win over their approval.

Secondly I will start telling my friends about my mental issues because there is no need to hide these things. I need to start embracing myself and I mean all of myself... not just part or the face that I put on.

Well time for mimi's. much love :)

Been a long time since I blogged....

2012 is the first time in 3 years I have blogged. Let me tell you how my life has changed. I now live in Boston Massachusetts, bout to start school again after dropping out because I believed a dumbass, and now have a grown up job.

Yeah that is all im going to say about my current status because I dont want to give the entire mystery away. Lately I been feeling trapped and there is no hope for escape. As soon as I am able to get the upper hand in my life something happens to ruin it. I guess that it really makes it difficult but at the same time leaves me wondering if I am the one causing my own obstacles in my life. Sometimes I feel like I dont try to reach my full potential because I am scared what happens once I have finally accomplished this?

Lately I have been trying to be a better person as whole. Believe it or not that doesnt just mean chairity work. I need to be focusing on mending my mental, physical, and emotional state before thinking of helping anyone else. I need to make sure that I am as strong as I possibly can be before trying to make an impact. By the end of the year I would like to work at a non profit part of the time and hopefully that will replace my waitressing job on the weekends. Believe it or not serving sucks. I hate being treated like I am nothing when in reality I push myself so hard babysitting, working at an office, being a good daughter, being a good friend, that by the time I waitress the last thing I want is for people to be rude to me because I will NOT bend over backwards to make a customers life absolutely perfect. No I will NOT stir someones tea, you have a spoon. No I will NOT cute your food, you have a knife. No I will not treat you as if you are the only person in the restaurant when I have 4 other tables. Crazy I know.

Well I dont have too much to say but I am going to try to write my blog at least four times a week. I am hoping this provides me with just a little bit of sanity and maybe help others see a little more into my life, thoughts, beliefs, and motives behind things. Unlike what a group of people say, I am not evil and am not to get anyone. I am just trying to live a happpy life and bring as many people up with me as I can.