i am sad and lost

I feel like i am at that point where it doesnt matter how hard i try or what i do it will just never be good enough. i work hard to try to make everyone happy and then when it is finally my chance to just try and be happy i cant even do it. I mean honestly the choices that i have to make seem to alway hurt someone. How do i stop that? I guess when it comes down to it i could just say no more boys. I mean honestly that would make it easier. Josh tol dme something that made sense. When a guy falls for me he falls hard, but when i fall for a guy i fall even harder. I guss i believe that. I understand that. I just try to give as much of my heart as i can adn recently i have wanted to give the whole thing but to who is the question.Well maybe i am over thinking everything. I am feeling better now that i have said something. i guess i really didnt say anything huh? lol well in my head it made sense. Sometimes i just like to cuddle up with a guy and let myself feel safe and loved. I really need that sometime. I appreciate it. Right now i dont think i will be getting any hugs or cuddle time which sucks cuz i am off my groundation. It must be for the best. I think if one more guy stepped in and just told me they cared about me i would dive into their arms and just allow myself to be held and love. I dont want to love but i have too. Alot of people think i am really mean cuz i have made girls cry but to be honest i want to be a teacher and make a lot of friends. I want to be able tohelp others out. i feel that i have to keep up an image but when no one is looking it is important to me to look for new charity events i can be apart of. I need someone like that. I mean a friend or more or just whateve that understands about the image and still will help out others. Oh and today my friend from many years ago came and saw me after they moved and it made me so happy. we both have progressed and it was just wonderful. I am so happy. I mean... seeing him at least. you know overall my life right now isn't great but i want to make the best of it and just try to brighten up other peoples lives. Just dont tell anyone lol. I will write later. ttyl.xoxoxoxoxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxo