Crazy pills or stupidity

Please tell me why it is that you see the most depressing videos or sometimes you read about tragedys and the only thing people can say is- I never knew she needed help, I wish I had seen the signs earlier. Well what if someone is crying out for help.... begging for help and no one wants to help? Everyday is becoming a struggle for me to continue. When I wake up I dont stretch and pull myself out of bed... I try to fall back asleep because I am hoping I wont wake up again. I know that isnt normal. When I tell doctors they just say they will give me a referral, but they never try to make the effort to actually help me. I cant believe that I must bend over backwards, beg, plea, just for a pretensious prick to see me and say wow you are crazy, maybe we should help you. Assholes.

Anyways my week-

Sunday was my friends last hoorah before he went back to philly. We were having drinks for his belated birthday. It makes me really mad that I flipped out on him. Whats the reason? None. Something that I should probably explain.... I am bipolar and schizophrenic. Let me explain before you get scared. No I am not going to hurt anyone, nor do I think about killing anyone. No I wont kill myself. Yes I think about it often, but there are reasons why I wont allow myself to. Usually I am really happy but then I get in these funks. I am currently in this funk. The things that set me off most the time is when people try to harm in anyway the ones I love. I kind of loose my shit and am willing to pretty much fight anyone... guy, girl, smaller than me, bigger than me, etc.... Lately though I have been getting so upset and the only thing to calm me is intimate affection. I need someone to hold my hand and just say it will be ok. I need someone to hug me and tell me that I will make it. I need to feel loved or I kind of loose it and just get pissed off or I really get hurt. Now the schizophrenia, that sounds scary, I know. It doesnt mean that I am seeing things everywhere. I hear voices. No not burn the building or kill kill lol. Nothing even close to that. Sometimes I just hear my name or sometimes I hear light whispering. The only times I get scared is when I hear footsteps when no one is around. It happens very often and that scares the shit out of me. Sp yeah sometimes I freak out, but I try not to./ The best ways that help me is to text people rather then call when I am getting upset. If I am getting pissed I just need to take a shower or listen to music for about 15 minutes. If i just feel like I am falling apart and there is nothing worth living for, I allow myself to cry and swim in my depression. By accepting the feeling I get tired of it and then want to do something to end it. So anyways thats why I flipped out on him and I havent event told him. Very few people know that I am crazy like that. They just think I am crazy spontanious. lol

Monday was a little hectic. I babysat jay but it was frustrating because he is now getting to the point where he doesnt want to be told what to do and it drives him crazy. He doesnt like that I wont let him rot his brain out with games rather than doing his homework. Sometimes it is a struggle to watch him because I feel like I become the enemy.

Tuesday I took my mother out to dinner at bella luna and it was really good. She brought up the most sore subject in my life and I began to cry. I had to stay with her because honestly I wasnt sure if I would do something stupid. She invited me and right now that is the only place that I really and truly feel safe.

Wednesday I had work and then babysat. Got home around 11 and now I am here typing away.

So I have decided two things. Recently I have been wanting to be with my ex but I realize that is just because I am lonely and need to accept that being alone isnt a bad thing. I know that if I desperately needed someone good to be with me, I have someone... but instead I try to force the relationships that didnt work, work.... I am going to cut off every guy I used to date until I can just be friends with them and not try to win over their approval.

Secondly I will start telling my friends about my mental issues because there is no need to hide these things. I need to start embracing myself and I mean all of myself... not just part or the face that I put on.

Well time for mimi's. much love :)

Been a long time since I blogged....

2012 is the first time in 3 years I have blogged. Let me tell you how my life has changed. I now live in Boston Massachusetts, bout to start school again after dropping out because I believed a dumbass, and now have a grown up job.

Yeah that is all im going to say about my current status because I dont want to give the entire mystery away. Lately I been feeling trapped and there is no hope for escape. As soon as I am able to get the upper hand in my life something happens to ruin it. I guess that it really makes it difficult but at the same time leaves me wondering if I am the one causing my own obstacles in my life. Sometimes I feel like I dont try to reach my full potential because I am scared what happens once I have finally accomplished this?

Lately I have been trying to be a better person as whole. Believe it or not that doesnt just mean chairity work. I need to be focusing on mending my mental, physical, and emotional state before thinking of helping anyone else. I need to make sure that I am as strong as I possibly can be before trying to make an impact. By the end of the year I would like to work at a non profit part of the time and hopefully that will replace my waitressing job on the weekends. Believe it or not serving sucks. I hate being treated like I am nothing when in reality I push myself so hard babysitting, working at an office, being a good daughter, being a good friend, that by the time I waitress the last thing I want is for people to be rude to me because I will NOT bend over backwards to make a customers life absolutely perfect. No I will NOT stir someones tea, you have a spoon. No I will NOT cute your food, you have a knife. No I will not treat you as if you are the only person in the restaurant when I have 4 other tables. Crazy I know.

Well I dont have too much to say but I am going to try to write my blog at least four times a week. I am hoping this provides me with just a little bit of sanity and maybe help others see a little more into my life, thoughts, beliefs, and motives behind things. Unlike what a group of people say, I am not evil and am not to get anyone. I am just trying to live a happpy life and bring as many people up with me as I can.

josh....

it happened again... surprise surprise.

deleted

i am starting a new life so i deleted this because i dont want the memories

just when i think it is over

Why cant i jus move on from this stupid kid. its like adolfo has a spell on me. Ok so thursday nigth we went to hookah. it was me, louie, cindy, jay, and adolfo. i saw this kid that i used to talk to and so i obviously had to say hi. it was rly nice. we relaxed and then i had a beer energy drink thing. well after hookah we went back to adolofs all of us. kyle and ante came to (they were the kids i used to talk to). well i dintdrink much but i blacked out. so then adolof had to take care of me and he was so sweet about the whole thing. he jus took care of me. i blacked out and that was bad.... so i woke up and he was next to me. he dint leave my side the whole night. he took care of m and woke me up with kisses. i thought to myself wow wtf! so i layed in his ams and once everyone left his house i called out on work and then i went back to lay in his arms. he was holding me so tightly and he dint try to sleep with me like most stupid guys which always ruins our friednships. i hate when guys do that cuz then i loose trust and respect for them. well he jus held my hand and cuddled with me. it was the best thing in the world and i could not help but to jus smile. we layed there all day and then cleaned the house. after that we went to dinner and then back to his house to lay down and watch a movie. we cuddled the entire time. it felt so nice and he dint wanna let me go. he literally held me down. we wrestled and then later that night we went to a party. the party got out of hand. there was a fight, someone was stabbed, ppl brought guns, etc.... its was fuckin scary. so we left but b4 we left i saw my x dave.... dun dun dun....i almost cried right there. well adolof and i got back home an he calmed me down and said hey the past is the past and you cant hold onto the bad cuz then u wont move on towards the good. he is the reason why u cant move on and hold a serious relationship with guys which is the truth i know it too... i just dont want to admit it. that would suck... of course i have to admit it cuz he is right haha. well anyways so then he dropped me off and gave me a big hug. it was awesome i felt so safe and so warm. everything was wut i wanted. well tonight is my last night b4 i go and i am hoping he is the last person i see b4 i go cuz literally he is the last person i wanna see. well i better go and pack, still havent done that yet. yikes!

nights of unease

bahahaha so tonight im goin with my friends to hookah. louie was one of my friends and now we rr gonna try to work on our friendship. well im gonna see my homeboy josh and johnathon. i am super duper excited to see them all. i dont want to admit it tho.

haha and then adolfo and i were talking and he kept asking bout my bf. ha some random guy he saw me with. so i told him there is nothing there and that we r jus friends. now i guess we r gonna kick it tonight cuz he made an effort and im so happy my heart is beating soooo fast!!! i jus wanna scream ya know? i mean....ugh i am oooo soooo pumped. like we r gonna b friends at least and damn it this is gr8. im wearing his sweats right now which comforts me. i feel safe when i wear something of his i guess tis a good feeling. he reminds me of jake from the book new moon. he fill the void for a while but nothing more than that.

well i am hopin tonight goes amazingly. i hope we all have a blast... for some reason i think it will all go swimmingly and yes i jus said swmmingly. im jus so happy right now and i talked to lisetter and that was good. my uncle is acting wierd right now but i dont really care. im jus kinda in my own world. i think he is sad that im leaving for a bit but it happens. ahhhhh i leave in 4 days!!!!! so excited!!!

I would be such an amazing man!!!

I would be an amazing man. I think i am aiming to high cuz i want someone jus like me. i am amazing and thats wut i want. I know my flaws and i work on it each and everyday. i know my strengs and i still work on those each and everyday. Cuz thats wut ppl should do. we should want to satisfy ourselves. i would treat my woman right and i wouldnt be a boy i would be a man. I guess I realized that when i was listening to beyonces song, if i were a boy.... its all me and so true!!!! well since i cant be a man or im not willing to go through all that cuz i like who i am... i am gonna jus better myself and make sure that being a woman isnt a crutch but a boost in life and i will use it to my advantage. i am gonna do amazing things!!!! u jus wait!!!! i am kind of a big deal and today i have so much confidence that guess wut??? ull never recognize me again after today. im not gonna settle and i aint gonna chase. Im jus gonna be the best woman i can be.

If I Were A Boy lyricsIf I were a boy

Even just for a dayI’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girlsI’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me
If I were a boyI think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to herCause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boyI would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its brokenSo they thinkthat I was sleeping aloneI’d put myself firs
tAnd make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithfulWaiting for me to come home (to come home)
If I were a boyI think I could understandHow it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better manI’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurtsWhen you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed
It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…


ooooooooooooooo yeah i can feel the strength in me. I am reading to better my vocaulary and to take time to myself. Im gonna build ginger bread houses with my lil cousin and then............. sleep. bahahahaha amazing time with no boys since i went to coffee wit jorge and he is not my type. he tried to kiss me and i said no. then there is john...gr8 friend but thats it. he thinks we r gonna be so much more and the thing is we wont be!!! get the hell over it love. no offense or anything. so yeah... see i have guys that wanna be wit me but until i meet someone more like me or some1 who keeps me guessing im not intrested and im only gonna focus on myself cuz pritority number one is....


ME!!!!!!