I should trust myself more

Sometimes I should listen to my better judgement. I tried to cut out Stephen, but he called me and said sorry. We talked and I have forgiven him. We havent been talking as much. I think its for the better. Then Richard and I made up. I told him that I just want tobe friends if we continue to talk. I thought he understood that. Apparently not. On Friday we made up and he said he still wants to make it work and I said no. it just cant and I told him straight out that I had feelings for someone else. I told him that my feeelings were stronger for the other person than it was for him. He said no we should try to make it work. I said lets try to be friends first and then play it by ear. Saturday he called everyone trying to get a hold of me. I was sleeping by the way. He wanted me to go to a family barbque. <--- I have no idea how to speelthat so I will just say b.b.q. Well when I called him back all he did was complain about so much. He complained about how we dont see each other enough and blah blah blah. I saw him yesterday by the way and technically early ass morning since we were out till about 3am. I was annoyed. Then on Sunday, Amber was being a lil.... was acting like a lil priss and that really upset me ya know? We were supposed to go dancing. We had it planned for a week. We got thereand all she did was bitch and moan before we even got in the place. I told her I dont want to deal with her shit so we should leave. We left. I get annoyed because I will always go above and beyond for my friends and they really dont make too much an effort anymore. I think this whole week I am just not going to do anything. I need to study anyway. Plus maybe there wont be drama. Oh yeah and then on Sunday apparently I spent to much time with out mutual friends then I did with him which is total bull. I mean I was trying to include him and he kept saying hewas tired and dint want to talk. Then he got mad because I wasnt affectionate though I said we should just be friends. I was really upset. Well then we wentto breakfast at 1am. There was a very attractive guy over at a table across from us. I glanced over and then everyone started to make fun. i was laughing until Richard got up and made a huge deal in front of the entire restaurant about how I wanted to be with him and how i really liked him... I was so embarassed.We all went outside and he went to his car so I followed. I asked what was wrong and he told me, it was all my fault for not paying enough attention and for supposedly using him. I was just like what theheck are you talking about. He sat there quietly andwaited for me to apologize. I just got up and left after an awkward silence. I was very hurt and still am after he started to yell at me and make a scene. He made everyone leave and then sent me a message today about how I lost a friend. That obviously was not areal friend like I thought. On friday I went to a bonfire from 7-10pm and it was so fun. THey played the guitar and we all sang. I got to play volleyball whichI was probably the worst player there lol. I mean I was honestly terrible at that game. Thats ok I made sure I was on the team with all the best players lol.They made up for my lack of skills. We roasted marshmellows and then we all cuddled and just talked.Then we had a marshmellow war. We caught someone on fire and had the cops called on us for soemthing. No worries though, a couple of guys sweet talked us allout of any trouble. It was a lot of fun. Then I tried to be friends with my ex. He is just so... I dont know Ithink he was a cool guy. maybe he thnks I want him I dont know. i wish he know that, that just isnt the case. I guess we will have to see ya know. Maybe he just doenst like me for who I am as a person and not just cuz he is an ex. I dont think our relationship was even real considering the fact the we went on a break for a week out of the whoping 1 month we were together. lol. Oh well I guess I can make the effort but it doesnt mean he will respond right? I think I am a good person desptie what hethinkgs so I honeslty dont care for right now. He is a good guy overall and I have nothing, but good things to say about him. I guess that can go for alot of people I know. Goodness I miss Damian, but no worries I will see him in July and we are spending the 4th of July together. He is amazing. I love everything about himincluding his flaws. I guess that really is a good thing. I adore him and the great thing is he likes me too. We are making progress. We are slowly working at it. We have been daiting since last summer when we can. I know it will work because we both care about each other so much. I love him so much. I dont care where or when I say it. I would even shout it too the heavens. LoL. Well only time can tell I guess, but I personally can only see the best in our future. ok well ttyl love ya's xoxoxoxoxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxo